Remembering Nights Long Gone, and Witching Hour Realizations

Today I was thinking about my childhood, and even before I hit puberty I was a notorious night owl. It was funny because all though I looked forward to "bedtime" it was only because it was at this time that I knew the adventures that were soon to cross my path, suck me in, and mercilessly hold me until my wearing eyes could no longer manage to stay open to the wonder before me. Books, o how they enthralled me, I read everything I could get my hands on, but I was always drawn towards fantasy, science fiction, and adventure books. Through the words of hundreds of different authors, whose names I did not know, nor was really interested at the time. I just wanted the words, the sentences, the chapters, the stories! To fly in space, to meet a robot, to cast a spell, I wanted all these things, and in a way I had them. In fact these stories were a sort of special reality for me, I felt what they felt, I went where they went, I saw what they saw. The wonders that I was able to witness as a child are equally fantastic to the wonders I witness now as an adult, although they are vastly different. These nights I would stay up till three or four in the morning, and not even miss the sleep. Just wondrous feelings of joy, fear, loathing, sadness, longing. From books I received my most vivid nightmare, some of my favorite adventures, and my greatest yearnings.

One particular night as I was reading a book about wizards, magic, wonder, and danger, I realized for the first time, this was all fake. My life would never contain me shooting magic out of my fingers, or even a wand, I would never travel to a far land and ride in to battle next to a wizard, an elf, a dwarf, and a lost king. I wouldn't travel to unknown reaches of space and lead a war against an alien race. I wouldn't even take innocuous journeys to forgotten lands and travel through the earth or a rabbit hole. My life was real, and theirs was fiction. How I longed, and pleaded with reality to suddenly change, to allow me, just once, into the magical realm that I had held so often in my mind. To experience these things, not with my minds eye, but with my entire being. That night, when all this came crashing down, I cried. I cried that I would never meet these people, that I would never get to live as they live, I would never see what they saw, and I would never experience what they experienced. I thought of how unlucky I was, and to this day I still feel remorse that reality is so real. I cried myself to sleep that night, and a little of the magic was lost, but my imagination remained strong at least.

I still reread those books that I read as a child from time to time. Remember what it was like to sit next to a king, to ride an ancient horse, to talk to trees, to dance with elves. It isn't the same, but I have realized that real life is beautiful. There is magic, our very existence is magic. Look at what we have around us. From the simplest of seeds grows life! How unimaginable is that? Though I once thought we lived in a plain world, I now see, it is as magical as a world can possibly be.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is my longest day, school then work then school till 9-10ish. Hopefully it will go smoothly, I have tests and such but I think I am ready. Daf makes me so happy, I probably sound like an old record but yeah. when she called me today, it seriously made me so happy. It was a long day with a lot of typing and studying, but all that stress went away the second I heard her voice. That is so amazing, no one has ever been able to do that for me. As far as tests go though, one is lame. I get it on Monday, it involves a 6 page essay and multiple choice due by Wednesday. What the hell? But life is good, I took a few pictures today. My picture of the day, as my goal stated is this.

I was quite pleased with it actually, the composition was great, and I love lines. Anyway, I know this was short, but like I said it has been a long day, and without Daf it would have probably not been an especially good one. It is nice that almost everyday I have known her, it has been a good day. I am lucky to have such a friend.

PS

She called me her boyfriend today. Seriously, that just makes me happier than I have been in a long time.

For Daf

Today I took a picture of something that I had been trying to photograph for about a week straight. Every time I tried the colors were off, or the angle was boring, or the the picture was just not anything that I really liked. Well today it rained and it filled the bottom with a small layer of water. Suddenly I was able to take the pictures, but I think it was because I finally was able to put meaning to it, and I was able to relate it to a very special person. I called it Pool of Peace for Daf. I know it might seem obvious but Daf is a huge part of my life. From the moment we met we were great friends. I am so lucky to know her, as is every person that is fortunate enough to have a chance to talk to her. Today was very stressful school wise, with tests coming up and such, however it had such beautiful moments. It rained while the sun was shining, and that causes a full rainbow to appear. If only I had my camera at that magical moment. Rainbows are amazing, once in a life time experience. I loved my first thought which was, I wish I could take a picture of this for Daf to see. Most of my thoughts for a while have focused on her. Of all the opinions in the world I rely on hers most, because I trust her. She is so many amazing things that I am always just being astounded. Daf is a truly amazing person. Daf, never change ok?

Religion and Other Topics

So damn, my first post got accidentally deleted, so yeah attempt two.

Anyway Hello World! (Again)

Ok, so this post is about religion and other topics, but I feel it is appropriate given the nature of today being Easter, or as some people call it "Resurrection Sunday" (because of easter's pagan past). This was sparked by a sort of brief conversation I had with my mom, and how I view religion vs spirituality.

Separating Religion and Spirituality - Let's start with Religion first and go from there. To begin with we set the stage, an average church on a regular Sunday. The congregation all sit down in their seats as musicians walk to the front to begin the worship ceremony. The instruments don't matter, nor does the talent because that is not what this is about. The problem actually, for me starts here. They start off by telling you what song you will sing, and it is always in a key that is tailored to their voice (granted they have the musical ability to do that). Again, this isn't too bad until you reach the point where you, being the congregation are all asked to stand, and sing the next few songs together. This fairly innocuous request is just the beginning of where religion and spirituality separate. What this action really comes down to is a loss of personal connection with God. Instead of you getting to decide how you worship you have been told exactly what to do, even down to the actions that you must take. I feel that nobody should have the right to delegate to another what they should do in order to enjoy a spiritual connection. This is taken even farther when the person speaking leads the group in a type of group prayer. I believe this is again one person speaking to God on the behalf of many, and is another way of controlling the experience you are having. The problem here is again the same. A person is telling you what to say and what to do, how to pray.

On a side note, a special issue I have with prayer is the bowing of the head. Why is it that we can't lift our eyes up and figuratively look God in the face. God is supposed to care about us, and it seems that it makes more sense to look up and be fully in God's presence than to always be hiding in shame.

Lastly on religion, the most important part of any belief is interpretation of the words that it teaches. This is the hardest part and, to me, the most aggravating of all is how one person interprets the script for everyone. Where is the open discussion? If we are all going to believe something, then again it comes down to personal belief. The amazing thing about being human is that we can all see the same thing but interpret it differently. On person may read a section of text and see meaning, while I see a completely different meaning. And the truly great part? Neither of us is wrong. So I purpose that instead of sitting around and listening we become active. We open up a dialogue , and each person says what the words mean to them. We are here to help each other understand this thing called life, whatever it really is.

So to me religion is this: a set of rules, standards, practices, rituals, or whatever that a person must follow if they are to have a connection with God, and subsequently find meaning in their life.

That leaves us with the question; what is spirituality? And this is a vastly more simple idea, and serves only to manumit us from the strict confines that religion often gives. Spirituality doesn't involve other people necessarily, although it can by choice. What it breaks down too, in its most simple of forms, is a personal connection with God.

It always astounds me when I hear people say there is no hard evidence for a belief in a creator. Even more so when it is a religious person saying so, because it seems that they miss the point. They expect their followers to go blindly, or with little concrete ideas. The fact is that God does not hide from us, he doesn't even try too. If you look around you can see God in the beautiful tranquility of a pure blue sky, the power in looming clouds or a giant waterfall, the peace of an idyll pond. Everything from a leaf in the wind to a bird in the sky, they are all so perfect in and of themselves that missing them is how we miss God. The problem we face is not one that exists due to a lack of faith, but a blindness and deafness to the world around us. Spirituality is a personal connection, and nothing can teach that, or take it away. Strive for spirituality not religious zeal.

With all that being said, I do appreciate the place that religion has in our lives. Giving us a place to connect with people that believe as we do, or just giving us a place to meet new friends. These are all positives offered. But if a person wants a connection to God, it is a personal exploration into the character of who they are, and who God is, and not one person will experience this the same as another.

Artists - For so long in my life has this term been used inside of a negative connotation, based on the stereotypes of what it means to be artistic. I am coming to embrace this part of me, and as I do I am loving it more and more.

First off a little about my past. I grew up fairly artistic, an early example of this takes place during my kindergarten days. I had this blocks called "pattern blocks." With which you were supposed to create, quite obviously, patterns. An example may consist of triangle, square, triangle, square, etc. ad infinitum. Now instead of doing this simple task I would often make sprawling 2d pieces that stretched off in all directions. This made my teacher literally angry with me, more on her maybe in the future. Anyway, I always loved making things, no matter what it was. This evolved into playing guitar around the 9th grad, and at the same time I started writing poetry. I always liked drawing, and would often draw along with Mark from the Imagination Station PBS show, and there has always been reading. So, as a brief overview, art has always been a part of who I am as a person.

So, referencing my earlier section on Spirituality and Religion, I find artists have a unique luck in the way they see the world. I feel like people who see things through these types of eyes don't have to try all that hard to be spiritual. It is easy for me to look at something and draw a deeper meaning out of it, some examples are over on my flickr page, where I write little stories, poems, etc to go with my pictures. So I count myself lucky to be part of this group who are granted the privilege to see life in a way that nobody else can even comprehend.

Photography - I find this to be probably my favorite artistic endeavor I have ever started. It in a way forces me to stop taking the world for granted. The more I get into this the more beauty I see, and it is such an amazing cycle. I feel more natural at it, even compared to my guitar playing. I think I finally found the thing that I could, given more time, become great at. It makes me so happy to have found this again, and to have started over with it. I wasn't sure how I would take to it, and I risked a lot of money on my camera, but the end result is I am absolutely loving it. It is also forcing me to write, which makes me so happy because that is another aspect I have always felt strongly pulled too. Writing was always hard because when I didn't have a clear concept of what to write, I often did not writing anything. This outlet has given me a chance to expand on both of these concepts that I love so dearly. So it is turning out quite well.

Drugs - I had a conversation today with someone I haven't spoken too in probably close to a year. He was as close to a good friend as I had in high school , although it was never too close as we were very different people. It turns out that, when strapped for cash, he sells drugs. Which is an interesting concept because I never got into any sort of drug, be it alcohol or illicit. I haven't ever smoked a joint. I know this probably seems prudish, or weird to a lot of people but I just have never felt inclined to do so. I am always curious, because I understand intellectually from a psychological stand point, about what do people feel when they do these drugs. What is it that motivates a person to do these things? I can't say I will ever know the answer, but it is such an alien idea to me. It's not even that my friend can't afford to live, he just likes money to buy things he wants. I don't know, I freely admit that I don't understand.

I know this was kind of all over the place but I had a lot on my mind today. Anyway, goodnight world and sweet dreams. Let's see what wonders you hold for me for tomorrow.

Final Thoughts for Today

Hey world, I am back for some last thoughts for today, I have no idea how long (or short) this will be, because I have nothing so far planned, I will just write what I am thinking. Hopefully this will make sense. Ok, So first off, I did it despite the rain. By it I mean I took my daily pictures, and some of them turned out fairly well in my opinion. I really need to learn some technical things, so I can handle my camera better, but otherwise I am having a good time. My daily picture turned into about seven that I kept, however a few of them are noisy from the fact that lighting conditions were not the best. I was incredibly happy when I found the rain stopped and I immediately got in my car with my camera and went for a drive, hoping to find something worth photographing. I found a parking lot, that is almost always deserted and pulled over and started taking pictures. This turned into some really good shots. Other than that, if you would like to see them check out the April 2nd shots at Dusty Depictions.

As far as more important things go, bare with me while I do some digging. There hasn't been much emotionally strenuous today for me, however on the good side, I talked to Daf on the phone today. That always makes me so happy, her voice lights up my day. It was funny because I found myself get giddy and silly almost instantaneously, and it felt good. I feel so alive when I am talking to her, I sometimes wish I knew the words to tell her how I feel, but nothing seems adequate, at least in my eyes everything falls short of the full meaning. She just brings such joy to me, and makes my soul feel such elation, that AHH!!!! I don't know, it is just amazing.

Other aspects of my life are fairly neutral, I have tests next week, so this weekend will be dedicated to studying. A bonus is that tomorrow, there shouldn't be rain, maybe I can go hiking then. Anyway, I am still working on my goals, and learning how to be less shy. In fact, pulling my car over and taking pictures, despite the weird looks was a nice step for me. However, I got discouraged that I even noticed the weird looks, because I want to be to the point where I don't notice how others see me at all. On the upside, I think I care less than most people, but I still am working on it. It is a process, but at least I am trying. Another thing this allowed me to do was to practice forgiving myself. Instead of letting myself get discouraged, I recognized what I was doing, and stopped it from getting to me. I give myself that.

Anyway, that was my day, I probably am done for tonight so Goodnight World! Sweet Dreams.

So Far Today...

Well, I know technically this isn't my first post today, I count the previous post as last nights. Anyway, I had a big plan today, as it was my first day off, and therefore I had some unscheduled time. I wanted to go hiking in the park and take pictures, instead it turns out that it is pouring down rain. Needless to say I was very saddened. I could almost see the trees and flowers I wanted to photograph in my head. Hopefully I will think of something to take a picture of for my daily picture. By the way, taking a daily picture and writing a micro poem is part of my goal to practice my art. I enjoy doing those things immensely. So, currently I am thinking about that. This was a short quick entry, probably more to come tonight. Current thoughts: Love is an amazing thing.

Current Goals

So, a few things happened today, mainly I forgot the email address to this blog. What a pain in the ass that was, but thankfully as I was closing my eyes I finally remembered. A few tries later, I finally am logged on. Thank fucking god. That was frustrating. Anyway, Hello again world. I have decided to take my time to talk about a few things that I feel important.

First off, I want to discuss a conversation I had with some coworkers one or two days ago. They, apparently, are atheists and agnostics which I am not. That is not to say I fall under any specific religion, but I do believe in something. Anyway, they don't believe that anything exists and this idea, although I have heard it so many times, always confuses me. To me, I feel spirit in everything, especially nature. I'll expand on that more in a bit, but for right now I am going to talk about not believing in anything.

It's funny to me because there were times, and by times I mean many, where I was incredibly depressed, almost scarily so. I won't go into too much details but you can probably guess. Anyway, even at my all time lowest, and utter hatred of everything, I never stopped believing that there was something. Instead it translated into my perceived hatred of a "creator" but I still believed it was there. Nothing ever made me think that there was just emptiness and random chance. This probably comes off as relatively naive to most of the world, but I always felt the presence of something, some power that I could not quite grasp. Why is it that I felt that way? I ask myself this sometimes, and I really don't know. So, that is a little of my history, and my belief system.

To me the world has so much beauty around it, and its so obvious in nature. I can't help but feel things are too beautiful to happen by random. Just looking at the complexity of our ecosystems, how well balanced everything is, it is hard for me, on a spiritual level, to believe that it just happened. Another side effect of this, is that to me if life is all random happenings, random chemical reactions, random nerve firings, random everything, then what is the point. How do I give meaning to something that doesn't even matter, and is really just a fluke of statistics. So, even if there is nothing, I would prefer to believe their was, and don't take me wrong I love logical pursuits. It just comes down to, life needs meaning, and for me having random happenstance control me does not give it any justifiable meaning. And, again, don't get me wrong here, I don't set out to please any higher being, but it is more of a understanding and connecting with nature type of belief. I like to find beauty in anything I can, and I also try to make a positive difference in the lives of those around me. I try to everyday, find something beautiful, and capture it and share it with the world. Which brings us to my current goals.

• Do well in school - this seems so obvious but I feel that it is important for me to do this, so that in the future I can have more freedom, also I do it because it makes me feel good. Succeeding at something is always better feeling than failing
• Find and Photograph at least 1 beautiful thing each day - my Flickr account holds these pictures along with my micro poems. Hopefully I will upload at least one a day, everyday. I like my camera because it forces me to see beauty
• Save money - again, this seems obvious but I have always wanted to be better with money, and I was doing fairly well until I bought my camera, which I still feel was worth it. But if I can learn to save money, then I won't be as reliant on other people, which will make me more able to help other, because I won't be the one needing help
• Lose Weight - yeah, I feel that I could stand to lose a little bit of weight, so I am trying to be more active, its a tough one. But I do want to be healthy for my own sake
• Make a difference - find a way to make a difference each day, this one is probably the hardest because it involves being more outspoken so maybe this should be changed to, at least for now, be less shy
• Practice my art - I find myself not playing my guitar everyday, and not drawing, I think I would be great if only I had the discipline. I hate my lack of discipline, and how I get bored of things so easily. I frustrate myself to no end, because I move from one thing to another, and I really want to stick to something, but at the same time it doesn't interest me at the time, and its a really weird internal paradox

Thats a good set of goals for right now I believe, so I hope I will follow through. A last goal, but more a view on life is, I need to forgive myself when I mess up. Learn to trust who I am, and love myself more. Not in a self esteemy way, but in understanding who I am, and trusting myself with that. There is nothing wrong with knowing who and what I am. This is an adventure I am on, and I am trying to discover myself daily. Well anyway, goodnight world! I hope you have a great day tomorrow.