Monday, May 31, 2010

Rust and Love

Today I was thinking about a lot. This last week has left me wondering a lot about myself. For the first time I was able to express how I feel on these low aspects of my life. It felt good, and I feel, in a way, refreshed. I started taking pictures again, officially, and I have been taking pictures. I plan on building another of my paper sculptures. Rust and love represents old problems, new beginnings, and the love of a wonderful person.
Originally I had planned on writing a blog focusing on, as usual, one of my observations of the world around me. This involved mowing the lawn, and realizing how many people have pristine, impeccable, and well manicured lawns. This focused on how I know nothing of lawn care, at least nothing that would make a perfect lawn. That lead me to thinking about how I don't fit a lot of the stereotypes of what is important, and how my values are often not the same. It would have probably been long and drawn out, but instead, as often is the case, I realize what I really need to write. This feeling of holding alternative values lead me to call myself "weird." A term that I had been using to describe myself for years on end.
Thorn and I were discussing this, when I called myself weird, which she had heard on multiple occasions, and called my attention to it. How even if I say it in a positive way, it still holds within it, negative connotations. She pointed out how everyone is unique, and original. And our discussion followed this line for a while. However, the important part was, she made me realized that I am not "weird," but I am me. This is such a wonderful gift to have been given, to be seen as not weird, strange, odd, or different, but as "me." It was another self discovering conversation that I had with her. She has such an amazing power to allow people to be themselves, as she knows. I am just glad that she is with me on my trip to finding out who I really am. Thank you Thorn, and no matter what happens, who doesn't see it, or who thinks it is untrue, you are a special person. You are unlike anybody else, and you are such a blessing to my life.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Tears Fall

And I realize what I have done wrong. I can hardly see, but I see within me more clearly. What mistakes I made this past week, and the pain I caused. And really, it will just reflect upon me. They say you reap what you sow and that is true in so many ways. I can't ever say what needs to be said, because all that matters is doing what needs to be done. I can't go back and fix the past, even if I would give my hands to do so. To never be able to type another word, or play another note, if I could just make things right. If I could fix the wrongs, then things would be ok, and I wouldn't need these songs to get me through. In the end I hurt myself, by realizing that I am not as great of a friend as I thought I was. The only wish that I can now make, and hope for it to come true, is that you will find something redeeming within who I am, that will make you want to let me show you, that I can work through what I have been feeling. That I will be able to show you I care... I just needed to work through everything, and it hit me at finals week. How can I ruin what means so much.... Pray for me someone, thats all I ask.

As a p.s. There is only one person I care about reading this...

Today in Retrospect

Today was an average day in almost every way... I went to school, went to work, came home. And it made me consider... Why do people even bother with average days?  I have a goal, that will always be a struggle, and that is to have no more average days.  Why, you may ask? And it...

This blog was in the works since last Friday all of 8 days ago.  I lost my direction when Finals showed up.  It has been so long since I had taken a picture.  Yesterday I thought I was back on the horse and was going to start doing what I love again... But this depression is really fucking with me... Please pray for me, I seem to be losing at this whole thing called life.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

The More Days Go By, How First and Foremost I Am Your Friend, and What Helps Me Keep Going

So my thoughts today have been singular in identity, but don't lack intensity.  I have been thinking about you and how no matter what has happened we have been best friends.  It always comforts me when I think of this because I never had a friend to who I was able to tell anything.  It means everything to me and I love you.  I know that it is hard to figure things out sometimes but I will be there one day at a time.  I love showing you slowly that I care. 
I know that not many people look at my photos and that probably no one else reads this blog... But knowing you are makes it all worth it.  When I check for updates I look for yours first.  When I see a comment, a favorite, a message, an email, or a voicemail my pulse races and my heart sings.  Your voice alone brightens my day.  And all this goes to say... thank you... for making my days better since I met you.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Blank Page Syndrome, and Social Change

Today I was thinking about what I would write about, still being semi-sick I was hoping for divine inspiration so that I wouldn't have to think too hard, I felt lazy. Then around noon my boss called and asked me to step in for her as she was sick. I agreed to this, as I like the experience. But it left me with absolutely no down time. The narrative continues with me going through a flurry of exercises that relate to running the program I work at. Suddenly it was 6pm and I had no clue what I would write about. I pulled my tired body to my car, started the ignition, and drove to school. This was the last day of a sociology class that focused on inequality, power, sexuality, and race relations. And my teacher was wearing a shirt that said, Will Work For Social Change.

I started thinking, what does this really mean? What is social change, and how do we work towards it? These questions started bouncing around in my head as she started to read us an email. This email, well series of emails (yes plural, and yes it is hard to sit and be read emails that are out of context), that she had saved from her correspondence with a very hate filled person.
And I was still thinking this whole time, how do we enact social change? The whole while, about 45 mins, the emails were just being read. The more they went on the more hateful, and racist, and sexist it became. I felt like I was sitting in a room with a roaring fire, just burning each person who sat there, with no remorse, or no morality at all.
The reason my teacher put on this show was because she wanted to discuss how she ignores emotion, and tries to meet people on an intellectual basis. She just wants to name the issues, and this is when I started to wonder...
I feel that so much of learning, and intellectual pursuits, have found that they must avoid, denounce, and ignore human emotion. Yet in my mind, emotion fuels us more than anything. It is something that those who are more highly educated look down upon. Certainly it can be used in vicious, callous, evil, and hate filled enterprises. However, I see this hate, and the power it has, and I see that where there is hate there is also love. I feel that if we could harness emotion and learn to love more than hate, how much power that would hold. It would be greater than any intellectual game that a person could play. To actually with your full mind, soul, and body, love the world, what a difference that would make. To me the "phrase will work for social change" is different than what it is for her. For her it is labeling, understanding, intellectualizing, fighting, yelling, getting angry, and pounding her truth into others. Not that her truth is even wrong, but to me it is a daily struggle to make sure that I love more than I hate. Then in turn by demonstration, I show others. If you can show people love instead of hate, then the labels disappear. They become irrelevant in the face of kindness, compassion, and mercy. We don't need to label racism if people are shown that it is okay to love each other no matter what their skin color. We don't need to label sexism if people are shown that gender doesn't define the value of a person, that they are people and deserve love. We won't need to label hate crimes, if the world is shown that love accomplishes more. No slurs based on sexuality would exist if people loved each other despite who they were in love with.

See social change isn't something that requires people with who have a PhD. It requires the average person daily making the conscious choice to love more than hate.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Laughing at Misfortune

As I mentioned yesterday, I am not feeling well. My head and body have just been throbbing, stomach hurts, etc. Simple flu symptoms (bleck).
But I think I have enough in my to talk about how I feel today.
So I felt I would expand on my thoughts from yesterday. Why is it that we turn things that are horrific into jokes. I love to laugh, and I have even found myself laughing at horrible things, that I honestly don't believe I should have.
One look at what our society considers entertainment is scary. From Nazi, to racist, to dead baby jokes, there is no end to what is considered funny.
Why does this bother me? Maybe these things would be funny if they weren't real issues, but instead we shrug them off. I find that people care very little for the pain of others, as long as they aren't the ones in pain.
Instead of laughing about those who hurt, why not reach out a hand.
A short incoherent thought of a raving sick man. Continue to wish me well please. If laughter is the best medicine please send me some humor that doesn't hurt anyone :)
I wish you all the best, and thank you for reading this shamble of a blog post.

Monday, May 17, 2010

What Feeling Sick Does

Ugh! Today started off ok, although yesterday did feel weird... I felt like I was going in too many directions at once, and I am not quite sure what caused it. Today I feel just blah... Very sick. I had to leave work early for the first time ever in the 3 years that I have worked for the company. But I felt like I was going to throw up, so my current thoughts are as follows. Get better soon. I will try to at least take a picture, but current thoughts for today will be this. I think people are so afraid of reality that comedy has turned into a way to protect themselves. Don't get me wrong, I love humor, but sometimes I feel like things that may be accepted as funny shouldn't be taken lightly. I will elaborate tomorrow (hopefully). Bare with me as I try to feel better despite my head pounding and stomach aching. Thank you all :). Also please pray or me to get better, or leave me a well wishes voicemail using my google voice widget :). Sweet dreams everyone.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Updates - Where I Am At 5-16-2010

I just posted todays thoughts but here is a quick update on where I am in general, just a list of new things, and general short ideas.

  • I am a techie, as Daf pointed out last night, I love gadgets
    • In that vein, I now have an RSS feed to this blog on my Flickr profile.
    • I also have a call widget that is anonymous. It is over on the right of this page under the "about me section." It will allow you to leave me a voicemail comment, it is kind of an experiment.
  • I am gearing up for finals week, and I do look forward to summer
  • I love Daf with all my heart
  • I know html (random but hey, I am hand htmling this haha)
  • Photography is my new passion, but I still love guitar
    • I am hoping to play at an open mic night soon
  • Life is beautiful, I am trying not to waist the amazing gift

Finals Week, Why Do We Stress?

Finals week, probably the topic of many, many blogs around the country (and maybe the world?) in the next few weeks. They are a big deal, the culmination of our semester of learning, sometimes they determine our final grade, and final grades determine our future, and what happens now can effect the rest of our lives, and dictates whether we are successful or not, and and and....
Yeah, today I am relaxed, but I know in the next week the thoughts above will be in my brain, an almost never ending stream. I know this because these thoughts are what always run through my head when finals week approaches, but now I am wondering something new.
Does all this emphasis on the future warrant stress, loss of sleep, and a general unease? The question I have is what if something life changing happens in that week, or (god forbid) I die. Would I want my last week on Earth to be worrying about a multiple choice test, an in class essay, a letter grade? What real significance do these things have, does an A equate happiness? I don't know... It does leave one with feeling a sense of accomplishment, and I do believe people should work hard. But the stress, that wracks the entire student body during this week, maybe if we thought differently it would be less horrifying.
Carpe Diem. All we can do is seize each day, because tomorrow is not a guarantee. Instead of stressing, see the tests as what they are, and do your best, but don't waist a moment of the day worrying about a day you may never see. Life is beautiful, and as one young rebel said "Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Thoughts of Who We Are, Why Do We Hurt Others, and Paul Hardcastle's Ninteen


This video tells of the treatment of American soldiers during the Vietnam war, although it was never officially declared by congress... What were we fighting over? Communism? Then why are we so close to China? No matter the reason, the people involved were kids, 19 years old, younger than me, yet they fought, killed, wounded, were wounded, destroyed, and were destroyed. Why? Because their government owned their lives, as it technically still does. I watch this video, and I don't understand humanity. Not because of the images here, but the numbers, how many people died. Its horrifying. How could the politicians send these kids on over to die? Because they ceased to be humans and became numbers... They were x-amount of troops, with x-amount of acceptable casualties.
Another thing that will never sit well with me, is how these soldiers, merely instruments or a government were treated. The people who protested the war, they called these poor boys names, threw stuff at them. These people who had just went through hell, boys who had no free will except to life in swampy lands, get shot at, see their friends die, were now without a place where they belong. Its these types of past moments that make me mourn for humanity as a whole.
Who are we that we can't even love those that are supposedly in our own group. If we can't even love those around us, how can we love the rest of the world.
Then I start thinking, as I just received an email containing a picture of a 9 year old boy and his father weeks before he passed away due to cancer, and I cried. We are losing innocent people needlessly with fighting, we kill our men, women, and children as long as the rest of the world's. Then I think, not only are we spending lives, but money on these "objectives." What if we took that massive military budget and spent it on curing the ailments of our society, saving lives. Why is it that so often there is more emphasis on taking lives than on saving them.
Sometimes I am left with more questions than I had before.
May current dream: That the world will put more emphasis on saving lives, than on taking lives, making a profit, or on any other superficial venture.
If this comes true, then people will begin to see true peace, instead of just a lack of fighting (but even that would be an improvement.)
The answer? Love, if each person can love more than hate, the world can change. That is all it would take.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Understanding

Today is a short one possibly... I am just trying to understand. Why do children die of cancer? I know this isn't a specifically new question, but it deserves an answer. A young child died last week which is horrible enough, but he is just one of many. What kind of world is this? When somebody dies as an adult, they are made up of both good and bad traits. However, a child... a child is someone who hasn't had a chance to even develop these. It is a death of pure innocence. Their life brought joy, but the death brings only pain to people who don't deserve to be hurt, and death to someone who deserves nothing but life. I know life isn't perfect, but robbing that is just wrong. I don't get it. Who is held accountable for this, somebody, or something needs to answer for all the children in the world that die. There is no justification that I can see. I don't think I will ever understand senseless death, and to be honest I hope I never do.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Lion or Zebra

Today class was canceled, which is usually an irritation because you take the time to get up, go to class, drive there, or whatever, only to find out your efforts were futile. As an aside, why is it that teachers feel that a student should warn of an upcoming absence, and a teacher does not? Is it the idea that because they already paid their dues, they are held to a lower standard? Shouldn't those setting a standard require of themselves no less than what they set? I don't know the answer, but our society seems to feel this is not how things should work.
Anyway, where am I going with this? This is important because I had a talk with a fellow classmate whom with I had never before spoken. We started fairly light, talking about previous class, when the issue of man and nature came up. There were three of us, an older gentleman, a women who seemed mid-twenties to early thirties, and me, a twenty year old male. She posed the question "Don't you think that the problems mankind is seeing can all be attributed to living apart from nature?" Interesting, it is not an entirely new question, nor entirely original, but everyones perception of this topic is nothing but unique.
The question that came to me after words was, what does living with nature mean, not in general, but specifically to her. However the conversation quickly become serious, and was discussed the best that untrained people can, but that seems to be the only way to have a conversation like this... How can you train for this topic? (So many questions today.) Anyway, she started stating that man was no better than (and in fact probably worse than) animals. She went on to state that homosexuality was a normal occurrence within natural patterns. I don't know if this is true or not as I have no studies to back it up.
The older man disagreed, beginning with the idea that man is no better than an animal. He said that nature can be ugly. He posed the question, "would you rather be the lion, or the zebra?" Again interesting.
At this point I was silent, deciding what I would say, and the following is an expansion of what I said, into what I also thought and felt.
Would man be better off if he lived within nature? As with the way I view most things in life, yes and no. There are definitely benefits to living as one with nature. We would be surrounded by constant beauty, we would have a healthy environment as far as the world habitat goes (probably), and we would be closer to more types of life. I also feel that our spirituality, as I have described in a previous post, would increase.
However, there are many things that have made life much better for people. Because of society we have made advances in both eastern and western medicine that allow us to live longer. We get to see more of the world now because in nature, we would die much younger. One predictor to what human life expectancy was supposed to be was the length that our teeth lasted. The theory states that because our teeth only last a certain time, and we need them to eat foods, that our life span should match our teeth. However, we have been able to circumvent this natural occurrence with modern dentistry. Another asset, we can travel more. We are able to explore the world, enrich our lives with more beauty than what immediately surrounds us, and we can meet people who think differently, and learn what diversity truly means. Technology like the internet has allowed me the ability to post my thoughts, dreams, machinations, and hopes for all to see, and maybe take away something.
For all the problems and stress that modern living has given us, it has also brought forth gifts. Like most things, there is no good without bad. In fact, the old ideology that good can not exist without bad seems to hold true. How can we know good if we don't also know bad?
To answer the question about the lion and the zebra, I respond with the thankfulness that I don't have to choose. If you choose one, you are perpetually a hunter, and you will do nothing but kill to sustain yourself, but you play a vital role. If you don't kill the zebra, then they would have their population explode, and would eat so much food that they all die out. If you choose the zebra you are perpetually hunted, you are food, and you may give your life to keep the rest of the herd alive.
Actually, upon writing this, I realize that we are both the lion, and the zebra. I don't have to choose because they are both me. I will someday die, as will all who are alive. There is always the possibility that I will die to keep others alive, much like the Zebra who is the kill of the Lion. However, as I must eat meat to survive, as it holds vital nutrients, I am also part Lion. I must, although indirectly via butchers, and slaughterhouse workers, kill to survive.
Nature is beauty and beast. It is beautiful in its balance, and delicate in structure, but gruesome in methodology. Again, there is no good, without the bad. For life to go one, others must die. Even if it is just a single blade of grass, it must give its life for another creature to live. The best you can do, is make life for those around you as bearable as possible.
The meaning? That is up for you to decide. But for me, the response that Dr. Vonnegut gave his father Kurt Vonnegut Jr. when asked sums it up perfectly: "Father, we are here to help each other get through this thing, whatever it is."
And in the words of Mr. Vonnegut himself.
"So it goes."

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Dry Spell, Current Thoughts, and Why Nature Sucks

As I power up my external hard drive, I am (very hopefully) ending the almost 4 day dry spell that came with my photography. I wanted to go out on Saturday to take pictures with my little brother, but had a birthday party for my cousin to attend. I put it off, and didn't go Sunday either, although I am not entirely sure why I did that. Part of my struggle is that I get intensely into things then slow down, and sometimes stop, and the only thing that has been a constant in the years (and even this has had its moments of not being a hobby) is guitar playing. I am only like this with hobbies though, thankfully! So today I took about 70 pictures and I am importing them as I type this. It has been so long since I have written here, but that doesn't mean I haven't been thinking about myself, and my life.
Where do I come from, and what struggles have I had to over come. One of them that has been weighing on my mind especially after the talk with Daf (<3)
This should also mark the end of the blog dry spell, as I want to post here more often. I am constantly discovering myself. And you are welcome along in the journey, although there is no guide other than my feelings. Feelings of which I have a whole post to talk about.
So here are some current plans for me to keep you up to date on what is important in my life right now.
  1. Finish school for this semester
  2. Get the pre-reqs I need for Carnegie Mellon
  3. Take a picture EVERYday
  4. Write a blog everyday, possibly combine the two
  5. show Daf that I love her (this is my favorite to do :D)
  6. Discover myself
Thank you all for taking this wonderful, crazy, impossible, terrifying, beautiful trip with me.
PS
I am thinking of a twitter again, not sure yet, but at least to keep people who care up-to-date on my status of blog and flickr accounts
again flickr can be found here Dusty Depictions