The Written Word and the Futility of Writing a Blog

A look back at where we have come from has reveled to me much about who we are as a race, and where we are as well. There is no more specific accuracy here, so much as a look at the importance of the written word as it applies to the modern person.

In the infancy of the human race, language may have been the result of exaptation, because, supposedly, humans evolved into an upright state, which allowed for humans to begin making words. Maybe it is because we started giving random sounds meaning, and this led to language. Maybe you don't believe in evolution at all. Where language comes from will always be up for debate, however, its importance is irrevocably obvious.

From spoken word there came the written word. In Egypt this idea of writing down events, religious symbolism, mythology, and tradition led to the creation of papyrus. Allowing for a portable method of transcription. The ancient Greeks spread the ideas of philosophy through the use of written and spoken language. These pieces of human mental evolution are still important to our modern outlook on life. Stories like those of Homer, the epic tales that are still part of our combined mythos. Then the roman Empire brought us even farther advancements with such minds as that of Marcus Aurelius Antoninus Augustus. Why do we still know these names, and what they thought, said, or did? Because of the written word.

This ability to take coherent thoughts, place them with ink on paper has offered humanity its first glimpse of immortality. The human may die, but their spirit, through their thoughts can live on. This can be for good or for bad, as all things in this world, but none the less these people had attained a divine status.

In the medieval times, literacy became a life long goal. Monks in Europe spent their entire lives lovingly transcribing the bible by hand. Writing had become a religious calling, and by it these words changed the lives of those who read, or even just were read to from this holy book.

Eventually writing became easier, as the printing press was invented. Suddenly the Bible became available to the masses, and thus is the strength of the written word, the Church began losing power. People like Martin Luther, within 100 years of the invention of the printing press, had started to bring down the power that the Church of the time had maintained for so long. Information became more available as time continually progressed.

At one point in history, it was unlikely that anyone in a family could read. Then there was a bible in many households. Then there were bookshelves full of this precious resource, the written word, in many people's homes. Now many people are connected to the internet, and this brings me to what I feel is important.

I know this focused mainly on the European evolution of writing, but the idea remains the same. Writing down what a person feels is important has a profound impact on the world that surrounds him or her. The pen is truly mightier than the sword.

Now, here I am at a computer typing this out, and for days it has seemed clear to me. With Facebook, Myspace, Xanga, Blogger, and Twitter there has never, in the history of the world, been an easier way for a person with amazing thoughts and ideas, to make them available to a large portion of the world. Never has there been such an unlimited access to information. Never has a person with no name, been able to build a following. Never has writing been so futile.

In this cacophony that is the internet, we all have a voice. Every single person who has any access to the internet (the number who don't diminishes continually it would seem) has a voice that is so loud, that a person in the heart of China, can speak to a person living in the middle of the United States. However, with so many voices all chiming in at once, what is left but a continual din of each voice, slowly fusing into one mangled mesh of what was once a powerful tool.

Even as I write this now, I realize I only am contributing to this mess, but for some reason I feel compelled to continue. It is amazing, fantastic, impressive, and disheartening. We have so much, but gain so little.

Worse then Better

So, I find that my current feelings are probably a good analogue for the way the world works. It seems like things have to go really wrong before people have the courage to fix them.

My current state? Fatigued, drained, foggy.

Writing this is taking so much of my brain power that it is amazing. I am just glad that I have a guide through all this. Thank you Miss ;)

I am eating healthy foods these days, and that is causing my body to release stored toxins from the crap I had been eating before, which is too bad that my body is having to go through all this, and that my mind is suffering.

However, as with anything, hope is the best part. I am happy that once this is over, my body will be healthier, and that I will feel better.

I have no pictures or words of wisdom to impart today. I just have me, getting through this, so that I can be healthy.

Thank you all for reading :) I will get back to my routine views on life, both good, bad, and what could be beautiful, as soon as possible.

Learning, A Never Ending Process, Fatigue, and The Joys of Today

To me life is a continual lesson, and that learning is optional. It is sad but true, many people seem to hit a point in their life where they don't want to learn anymore. For me, I hope to never lose my passion for knowledge. Even if it is not in a specific area, I just like to learn, mostly processes, facts, ideas, concepts, etc. I hope to be a robotics engineer when I am done with school, and to me, this field will be full of excitement. There will always be new technology, new things to learn, new ideas that are conceived.

If all we have is this life, I want to understand as much of it as I can.

Also, I started eating healthy food finally, and I am becoming fatigued. I find it interesting that, just like in life, things tend to get worse before they get better. I am happy to know that things will improve.

Today has been an ideal day, I have spent it basically talking to the person I love. It makes my heart so happy to hear her voice. It has been wondrous.

If I were to impart any of my limited "wisdom" on you readers, it would be this, find someone you love, and spend time with them whenever you can. It can be one person, or it can be many, but life is enhanced when moments are shared with an important person. There is beauty in solitude of course, but life is punctuated by the people who love you, and that you love back. I know that sharing a moment with that special person can take a good moment, and turn it into a glorious one.

A sunset is beautiful when viewed alone, and an experience when shared with that person.

Projects

I find that to me, making something for someone you love, is one of the best pleasures in life. I was at the park today, and I saw this amazing B, just the letter, on a wooden sign, that looked aged many years. And I was taking its picture, when I came up with the great idea. It was so much fun, the hunt, the excitement, and when she saw it. It was all such a great thing.

Today I was at a baseball game for specially abled (mentally handicapped), and physically disabled, children. And, despite the fact that they will face many obstacles in life, including discrimination, they were such beautiful souls. They played and laughed and hit and ran, and they were no longer different, but they were a group of friends playing a game. Their souls shone threw their eyes, and the eyes of their parents getting to watch something that they might never have thought possible. As I watched these kids run around, almost chaotically as rules were usurped for the joy of the kids, I saw the people running the game. They were volunteers, brothers, sisters, moms, and dads, of kids who face challenges we can only imagine, and it renewed my faith. There are people who are undeniably good.

This good outweighed the things that made my faith waver, as to me, good is so much more strong than bad.

Skeason

So as anyone who reads this knows, I tend to have random observations, and more often than not they relate to my general disillusionment with our society. Usually, at least in my mind, based on the lack of love, or "unlove," as I like to call it. But I spend a large portion of my day realizing things, when I am working, relaxing, playing, driving, eating, and sometimes even sleeping. Sometimes I remember these things, but more often than not I forget them, as new things pop into my head, and others just take precedence. Although it may seem that I see things very negatively that is not the case. Even the things that I am upset about, I feel can be changed, if only we want to work on it. However, there are a lot of things that I notice that are pure good. Many of them can be seen in my flickr photostream.

Today I found something interesting, and in my opinion beautiful. I was driving and was realizing how complex our eyes are. I mean, I had heard the anatomy of the eye many times. I have heard what it is capable of, and how powerful it is, but it actually hit me while driving. When I realized how much like a camera my eye is. It has a lens, must focus, has a diaphragm for aperture, etc. However, it is entirely biological. How much work goes into each scene that I observe. Looking around my room I see color, distance, shape, size, texture, symbols and much more.

I realize how much beauty surrounds me, and how fortunate I am to see these things. Life has many gifts, and sight is one of them.

I Have Absolutely No Idea Where This Will Go: The Blog

So today has been uneventful, yet strangely pleasant. I have seen nothing that has made me made me wonder about the state of the world. I stayed in my own little world, took pictures, and talked to Thorn. It was nice.

Hmm... Maybe there is something interesting here, in staying in your own world. What does that mean for me as a person? Is it okay for me to just sit back and pretend their are no problems, in the world? I don't know...

This is a little more incoherent than normal because I have no plan, although I had a few ideas earlier, I have forgotten them all.

This might just be a filler post, maybe I will talk about where I am as a person.

I got some grades finally, and I have 2 A's so far, and 2 unknown grades. One of the A's was in an absolute joke of a class, which was entitled Linguistic Anthropology. I have found, in the classes that I have taken, that I care very little for how anthropology is taught. And I guess this comes down to how I see learning, and what I find important.

In my anthro classes, the importance was often put upon the name of a person, not necessarily what they discovered, or realized. I may understand how a specific theory works, but I didn't earn the point because I could not name the person who came up with the theory. This would be like a math test asking you who came up with the quadratic formula. How incredibly rediculous would that be? Isn't the importance in being able to take an idea, synthesize it in your mind, then utilize in a real world manner? Knowledge to me is action, if you understand something and apply it to the world then that knowledge is successfully implanted. If you know the name of the person who created that knowledge, that is all well and good, but does not mean you can implement its uses.

Knowledge is really action and understanding, not facts. Facts are important, but should not be considered the main reason for learning.

O well, such is life!

Let me look at some good. I am feeling happy, I am very much in love, and I am enjoying my life. I have a week off before I start job hunting for a summer job, since work just ended. I do need to make a dentist appointment though. I am working on a new art piece for my flickr account, one of my paper creations. I think it will be cool, and have some nice hidden meanings. Thorn, don't ruin it :) hehe. Anyway, thank you all for sticking by me the last week that I didn't post. Things are picking back up!

Good night everyone and sweet dreams.

A Day Like Any Other

So today I am back to my hobbies, as I have no school or work right now. Although, I will need to go job hunting soon, yuck. I am back to my web design, although, the one I was working on turns out to be not wanted, so I will work on my own project. But I was thinking today about myself.

I realize that I am unusual, I am both artistic, and mathematical. But, I have never thought of myself as exceptional at either, seeing people who are good at only one exceed my talents easily. I find that it may be a curse, or a blessing, but I can handle almost any subject that is thrown at me. However, I think I have rediscovered my gifts, which are namely two, in my opinion. That of photography, and if you have ever looked at my flicker, I have owned that camera since March 19. Which, is a little less than 3 months. The other one being that of computer programming. It seems a strange combination, but both of them make me feel so amazing on the inside. And this brings me to my current thoughts.

Before I do get to them however, a random one popped into my head as I was writing this. I also throughly enjoy many things, anything really that involves thinking. That is why I started this blog, because I have thoughts that I feel might help other people understand life, or maybe just realize something new. I guess I would classify this as my minds way of making sense of the world, and who I am. Today has been more a post about who I am, than any profound (at least in my mind) thoughts. However, I will add something that might mean something to someone.

The real trick to life has nothing to do with fame, money, fun, success, or any other superficial thing. It is being who you are, no matter what happens. This seems easy, and I feel like I have talked about this before, however today I feel it linked to television.

How is it that we can expect kids to grow up to be themselves when they are being force fed to believe in what is cool and what is not. The Disney Channel and Nickelodeon are just two examples of this. However, the thing that shocked me above all else, something that I could not believe. It was a made for TV movie, on Teen Nick. And one of the scenes in the preview involved a teenager taking off her panties (yes a supposed teen) while in a limo. I watched this and realized that my little brother, of 13 no less, was watching these shows. What morals are we teaching children when at the age of 13 they are being exposed to such adult themes.

This made me think more as I started wondering, who is writing this stuff? What adults have so little regard for our future, that they feel people should be exposed to things like this at younger and younger ages. I don't want censorship, I want people to believe that children are not made or money, and now seemingly sex. I want people to feel responsible for each other.

Like I have said over and over, the problem isn't with regulations, but with a lack of love. If you loved the children watching the show, the actress meant to play the role, or the people who would be effected at all, would you still produce something like this? These shows are not the problem, they are merely a symptom of a global sickness. One of greed and selfishness. I will say it again, and probably more often, Love can solve so many problems. Just try it.

Rust and Love

Today I was thinking about a lot. This last week has left me wondering a lot about myself. For the first time I was able to express how I feel on these low aspects of my life. It felt good, and I feel, in a way, refreshed. I started taking pictures again, officially, and I have been taking pictures. I plan on building another of my paper sculptures. Rust and love represents old problems, new beginnings, and the love of a wonderful person.

Originally I had planned on writing a blog focusing on, as usual, one of my observations of the world around me. This involved mowing the lawn, and realizing how many people have pristine, impeccable, and well manicured lawns. This focused on how I know nothing of lawn care, at least nothing that would make a perfect lawn. That lead me to thinking about how I don't fit a lot of the stereotypes of what is important, and how my values are often not the same. It would have probably been long and drawn out, but instead, as often is the case, I realize what I really need to write. This feeling of holding alternative values lead me to call myself "weird." A term that I had been using to describe myself for years on end.

Thorn and I were discussing this, when I called myself weird, which she had heard on multiple occasions, and called my attention to it. How even if I say it in a positive way, it still holds within it, negative connotations. She pointed out how everyone is unique, and original. And our discussion followed this line for a while. However, the important part was, she made me realized that I am not "weird," but I am me. This is such a wonderful gift to have been given, to be seen as not weird, strange, odd, or different, but as "me." It was another self discovering conversation that I had with her. She has such an amazing power to allow people to be themselves, as she knows. I am just glad that she is with me on my trip to finding out who I really am. Thank you Thorn, and no matter what happens, who doesn't see it, or who thinks it is untrue, you are a special person. You are unlike anybody else, and you are such a blessing to my life.

Tears Fall

And I realize what I have done wrong. I can hardly see, but I see within me more clearly. What mistakes I made this past week, and the pain I caused. And really, it will just reflect upon me. They say you reap what you sow and that is true in so many ways. I can't ever say what needs to be said, because all that matters is doing what needs to be done. I can't go back and fix the past, even if I would give my hands to do so. To never be able to type another word, or play another note, if I could just make things right. If I could fix the wrongs, then things would be ok, and I wouldn't need these songs to get me through. In the end I hurt myself, by realizing that I am not as great of a friend as I thought I was. The only wish that I can now make, and hope for it to come true, is that you will find something redeeming within who I am, that will make you want to let me show you, that I can work through what I have been feeling. That I will be able to show you I care... I just needed to work through everything, and it hit me at finals week. How can I ruin what means so much.... Pray for me someone, thats all I ask.

As a p.s. There is only one person I care about reading this...

Today in Retrospect

Today was an average day in almost every way... I went to school, went to work, came home. And it made me consider... Why do people even bother with average days?  I have a goal, that will always be a struggle, and that is to have no more average days.  Why, you may ask? And it...

This blog was in the works since last Friday all of 8 days ago.  I lost my direction when Finals showed up.  It has been so long since I had taken a picture.  Yesterday I thought I was back on the horse and was going to start doing what I love again... But this depression is really fucking with me... Please pray for me, I seem to be losing at this whole thing called life.

The More Days Go By, How First and Foremost I Am Your Friend, and What Helps Me Keep Going

So my thoughts today have been singular in identity, but don't lack intensity.  I have been thinking about you and how no matter what has happened we have been best friends.  It always comforts me when I think of this because I never had a friend to who I was able to tell anything.  It means everything to me and I love you.  I know that it is hard to figure things out sometimes but I will be there one day at a time.  I love showing you slowly that I care. 
I know that not many people look at my photos and that probably no one else reads this blog... But knowing you are makes it all worth it.  When I check for updates I look for yours first.  When I see a comment, a favorite, a message, an email, or a voicemail my pulse races and my heart sings.  Your voice alone brightens my day.  And all this goes to say... thank you... for making my days better since I met you.

Blank Page Syndrome, and Social Change

Today I was thinking about what I would write about, still being semi-sick I was hoping for divine inspiration so that I wouldn't have to think too hard, I felt lazy. Then around noon my boss called and asked me to step in for her as she was sick. I agreed to this, as I like the experience. But it left me with absolutely no down time. The narrative continues with me going through a flurry of exercises that relate to running the program I work at. Suddenly it was 6pm and I had no clue what I would write about. I pulled my tired body to my car, started the ignition, and drove to school. This was the last day of a sociology class that focused on inequality, power, sexuality, and race relations. And my teacher was wearing a shirt that said, Will Work For Social Change.

I started thinking, what does this really mean? What is social change, and how do we work towards it? These questions started bouncing around in my head as she started to read us an email. This email, well series of emails (yes plural, and yes it is hard to sit and be read emails that are out of context), that she had saved from her correspondence with a very hate filled person.

And I was still thinking this whole time, how do we enact social change? The whole while, about 45 mins, the emails were just being read. The more they went on the more hateful, and racist, and sexist it became. I felt like I was sitting in a room with a roaring fire, just burning each person who sat there, with no remorse, or no morality at all.

The reason my teacher put on this show was because she wanted to discuss how she ignores emotion, and tries to meet people on an intellectual basis. She just wants to name the issues, and this is when I started to wonder...

I feel that so much of learning, and intellectual pursuits, have found that they must avoid, denounce, and ignore human emotion. Yet in my mind, emotion fuels us more than anything. It is something that those who are more highly educated look down upon. Certainly it can be used in vicious, callous, evil, and hate filled enterprises. However, I see this hate, and the power it has, and I see that where there is hate there is also love. I feel that if we could harness emotion and learn to love more than hate, how much power that would hold. It would be greater than any intellectual game that a person could play. To actually with your full mind, soul, and body, love the world, what a difference that would make. To me the "phrase will work for social change" is different than what it is for her. For her it is labeling, understanding, intellectualizing, fighting, yelling, getting angry, and pounding her truth into others. Not that her truth is even wrong, but to me it is a daily struggle to make sure that I love more than I hate. Then in turn by demonstration, I show others. If you can show people love instead of hate, then the labels disappear. They become irrelevant in the face of kindness, compassion, and mercy. We don't need to label racism if people are shown that it is okay to love each other no matter what their skin color. We don't need to label sexism if people are shown that gender doesn't define the value of a person, that they are people and deserve love. We won't need to label hate crimes, if the world is shown that love accomplishes more. No slurs based on sexuality would exist if people loved each other despite who they were in love with.

See social change isn't something that requires people with who have a PhD. It requires the average person daily making the conscious choice to love more than hate.

Laughing at Misfortune

As I mentioned yesterday, I am not feeling well. My head and body have just been throbbing, stomach hurts, etc. Simple flu symptoms (bleck).

But I think I have enough in my to talk about how I feel today.

So I felt I would expand on my thoughts from yesterday. Why is it that we turn things that are horrific into jokes. I love to laugh, and I have even found myself laughing at horrible things, that I honestly don't believe I should have.

One look at what our society considers entertainment is scary. From Nazi, to racist, to dead baby jokes, there is no end to what is considered funny.

Why does this bother me? Maybe these things would be funny if they weren't real issues, but instead we shrug them off. I find that people care very little for the pain of others, as long as they aren't the ones in pain.

Instead of laughing about those who hurt, why not reach out a hand.

A short incoherent thought of a raving sick man. Continue to wish me well please. If laughter is the best medicine please send me some humor that doesn't hurt anyone :)

I wish you all the best, and thank you for reading this shamble of a blog post.

What Feeling Sick Does

Ugh! Today started off ok, although yesterday did feel weird... I felt like I was going in too many directions at once, and I am not quite sure what caused it. Today I feel just blah... Very sick. I had to leave work early for the first time ever in the 3 years that I have worked for the company. But I felt like I was going to throw up, so my current thoughts are as follows. Get better soon. I will try to at least take a picture, but current thoughts for today will be this. I think people are so afraid of reality that comedy has turned into a way to protect themselves. Don't get me wrong, I love humor, but sometimes I feel like things that may be accepted as funny shouldn't be taken lightly. I will elaborate tomorrow (hopefully). Bare with me as I try to feel better despite my head pounding and stomach aching. Thank you all :). Also please pray or me to get better, or leave me a well wishes voicemail using my google voice widget :). Sweet dreams everyone.

Updates - Where I Am At 5-16-2010

I just posted todays thoughts but here is a quick update on where I am in general, just a list of new things, and general short ideas.

• I am a techie, as Daf pointed out last night, I love gadgets
  • In that vein, I now have an RSS feed to this blog on my Flickr profile.
  • I also have a call widget that is anonymous. It is over on the right of this page under the "about me section." It will allow you to leave me a voicemail comment, it is kind of an experiment.
• I am gearing up for finals week, and I do look forward to summer
• I love Daf with all my heart
• I know html (random but hey, I am hand htmling this haha)
• Photography is my new passion, but I still love guitar
  • I am hoping to play at an open mic night soon
• Life is beautiful, I am trying not to waist the amazing gift

Finals Week, Why Do We Stress?

Finals week, probably the topic of many, many blogs around the country (and maybe the world?) in the next few weeks. They are a big deal, the culmination of our semester of learning, sometimes they determine our final grade, and final grades determine our future, and what happens now can effect the rest of our lives, and dictates whether we are successful or not, and and and....
Yeah, today I am relaxed, but I know in the next week the thoughts above will be in my brain, an almost never ending stream. I know this because these thoughts are what always run through my head when finals week approaches, but now I am wondering something new.
Does all this emphasis on the future warrant stress, loss of sleep, and a general unease? The question I have is what if something life changing happens in that week, or (god forbid) I die. Would I want my last week on Earth to be worrying about a multiple choice test, an in class essay, a letter grade? What real significance do these things have, does an A equate happiness? I don't know... It does leave one with feeling a sense of accomplishment, and I do believe people should work hard. But the stress, that wracks the entire student body during this week, maybe if we thought differently it would be less horrifying.
Carpe Diem. All we can do is seize each day, because tomorrow is not a guarantee. Instead of stressing, see the tests as what they are, and do your best, but don't waist a moment of the day worrying about a day you may never see. Life is beautiful, and as one young rebel said "Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."

Thoughts of Who We Are, Why Do We Hurt Others, and Paul Hardcastle's Ninteen

This video tells of the treatment of American soldiers during the Vietnam war, although it was never officially declared by congress... What were we fighting over? Communism? Then why are we so close to China? No matter the reason, the people involved were kids, 19 years old, younger than me, yet they fought, killed, wounded, were wounded, destroyed, and were destroyed. Why? Because their government owned their lives, as it technically still does. I watch this video, and I don't understand humanity. Not because of the images here, but the numbers, how many people died. Its horrifying. How could the politicians send these kids on over to die? Because they ceased to be humans and became numbers... They were x-amount of troops, with x-amount of acceptable casualties.

Another thing that will never sit well with me, is how these soldiers, merely instruments or a government were treated. The people who protested the war, they called these poor boys names, threw stuff at them. These people who had just went through hell, boys who had no free will except to life in swampy lands, get shot at, see their friends die, were now without a place where they belong. Its these types of past moments that make me mourn for humanity as a whole.

Who are we that we can't even love those that are supposedly in our own group. If we can't even love those around us, how can we love the rest of the world.

Then I start thinking, as I just received an email containing a picture of a 9 year old boy and his father weeks before he passed away due to cancer, and I cried. We are losing innocent people needlessly with fighting, we kill our men, women, and children as long as the rest of the world's. Then I think, not only are we spending lives, but money on these "objectives." What if we took that massive military budget and spent it on curing the ailments of our society, saving lives. Why is it that so often there is more emphasis on taking lives than on saving them.

Sometimes I am left with more questions than I had before.

May current dream: That the world will put more emphasis on saving lives, than on taking lives, making a profit, or on any other superficial venture.

If this comes true, then people will begin to see true peace, instead of just a lack of fighting (but even that would be an improvement.)

The answer? Love, if each person can love more than hate, the world can change. That is all it would take.

Understanding

Today is a short one possibly... I am just trying to understand. Why do children die of cancer? I know this isn't a specifically new question, but it deserves an answer. A young child died last week which is horrible enough, but he is just one of many. What kind of world is this? When somebody dies as an adult, they are made up of both good and bad traits. However, a child... a child is someone who hasn't had a chance to even develop these. It is a death of pure innocence. Their life brought joy, but the death brings only pain to people who don't deserve to be hurt, and death to someone who deserves nothing but life. I know life isn't perfect, but robbing that is just wrong. I don't get it. Who is held accountable for this, somebody, or something needs to answer for all the children in the world that die. There is no justification that I can see. I don't think I will ever understand senseless death, and to be honest I hope I never do.

Lion or Zebra

Today class was canceled, which is usually an irritation because you take the time to get up, go to class, drive there, or whatever, only to find out your efforts were futile. As an aside, why is it that teachers feel that a student should warn of an upcoming absence, and a teacher does not? Is it the idea that because they already paid their dues, they are held to a lower standard? Shouldn't those setting a standard require of themselves no less than what they set? I don't know the answer, but our society seems to feel this is not how things should work.

Anyway, where am I going with this? This is important because I had a talk with a fellow classmate whom with I had never before spoken. We started fairly light, talking about previous class, when the issue of man and nature came up. There were three of us, an older gentleman, a women who seemed mid-twenties to early thirties, and me, a twenty year old male. She posed the question "Don't you think that the problems mankind is seeing can all be attributed to living apart from nature?" Interesting, it is not an entirely new question, nor entirely original, but everyones perception of this topic is nothing but unique.

The question that came to me after words was, what does living with nature mean, not in general, but specifically to her. However the conversation quickly become serious, and was discussed the best that untrained people can, but that seems to be the only way to have a conversation like this... How can you train for this topic? (So many questions today.) Anyway, she started stating that man was no better than (and in fact probably worse than) animals. She went on to state that homosexuality was a normal occurrence within natural patterns. I don't know if this is true or not as I have no studies to back it up.

The older man disagreed, beginning with the idea that man is no better than an animal. He said that nature can be ugly. He posed the question, "would you rather be the lion, or the zebra?" Again interesting.

At this point I was silent, deciding what I would say, and the following is an expansion of what I said, into what I also thought and felt.

Would man be better off if he lived within nature? As with the way I view most things in life, yes and no. There are definitely benefits to living as one with nature. We would be surrounded by constant beauty, we would have a healthy environment as far as the world habitat goes (probably), and we would be closer to more types of life. I also feel that our spirituality, as I have described in a previous post, would increase.

However, there are many things that have made life much better for people. Because of society we have made advances in both eastern and western medicine that allow us to live longer. We get to see more of the world now because in nature, we would die much younger. One predictor to what human life expectancy was supposed to be was the length that our teeth lasted. The theory states that because our teeth only last a certain time, and we need them to eat foods, that our life span should match our teeth. However, we have been able to circumvent this natural occurrence with modern dentistry. Another asset, we can travel more. We are able to explore the world, enrich our lives with more beauty than what immediately surrounds us, and we can meet people who think differently, and learn what diversity truly means. Technology like the internet has allowed me the ability to post my thoughts, dreams, machinations, and hopes for all to see, and maybe take away something.

For all the problems and stress that modern living has given us, it has also brought forth gifts. Like most things, there is no good without bad. In fact, the old ideology that good can not exist without bad seems to hold true. How can we know good if we don't also know bad?

To answer the question about the lion and the zebra, I respond with the thankfulness that I don't have to choose. If you choose one, you are perpetually a hunter, and you will do nothing but kill to sustain yourself, but you play a vital role. If you don't kill the zebra, then they would have their population explode, and would eat so much food that they all die out. If you choose the zebra you are perpetually hunted, you are food, and you may give your life to keep the rest of the herd alive.

Actually, upon writing this, I realize that we are both the lion, and the zebra. I don't have to choose because they are both me. I will someday die, as will all who are alive. There is always the possibility that I will die to keep others alive, much like the Zebra who is the kill of the Lion. However, as I must eat meat to survive, as it holds vital nutrients, I am also part Lion. I must, although indirectly via butchers, and slaughterhouse workers, kill to survive.

Nature is beauty and beast. It is beautiful in its balance, and delicate in structure, but gruesome in methodology. Again, there is no good, without the bad. For life to go one, others must die. Even if it is just a single blade of grass, it must give its life for another creature to live. The best you can do, is make life for those around you as bearable as possible.

The meaning? That is up for you to decide. But for me, the response that Dr. Vonnegut gave his father Kurt Vonnegut Jr. when asked sums it up perfectly: "Father, we are here to help each other get through this thing, whatever it is."

And in the words of Mr. Vonnegut himself.

"So it goes."

Dry Spell, Current Thoughts, and Why Nature Sucks

As I power up my external hard drive, I am (very hopefully) ending the almost 4 day dry spell that came with my photography. I wanted to go out on Saturday to take pictures with my little brother, but had a birthday party for my cousin to attend. I put it off, and didn't go Sunday either, although I am not entirely sure why I did that. Part of my struggle is that I get intensely into things then slow down, and sometimes stop, and the only thing that has been a constant in the years (and even this has had its moments of not being a hobby) is guitar playing. I am only like this with hobbies though, thankfully! So today I took about 70 pictures and I am importing them as I type this. It has been so long since I have written here, but that doesn't mean I haven't been thinking about myself, and my life.

Where do I come from, and what struggles have I had to over come. One of them that has been weighing on my mind especially after the talk with Daf (<3)

This should also mark the end of the blog dry spell, as I want to post here more often. I am constantly discovering myself. And you are welcome along in the journey, although there is no guide other than my feelings. Feelings of which I have a whole post to talk about.

So here are some current plans for me to keep you up to date on what is important in my life right now.

1. Finish school for this semester
2. Get the pre-reqs I need for Carnegie Mellon
3. Take a picture EVERYday
4. Write a blog everyday, possibly combine the two
5. show Daf that I love her (this is my favorite to do :D)
6. Discover myself

Thank you all for taking this wonderful, crazy, impossible, terrifying, beautiful trip with me.

PS

I am thinking of a twitter again, not sure yet, but at least to keep people who care up-to-date on my status of blog and flickr accounts

again flickr can be found here Dusty Depictions

Remembering Nights Long Gone, and Witching Hour Realizations

Today I was thinking about my childhood, and even before I hit puberty I was a notorious night owl. It was funny because all though I looked forward to "bedtime" it was only because it was at this time that I knew the adventures that were soon to cross my path, suck me in, and mercilessly hold me until my wearing eyes could no longer manage to stay open to the wonder before me. Books, o how they enthralled me, I read everything I could get my hands on, but I was always drawn towards fantasy, science fiction, and adventure books. Through the words of hundreds of different authors, whose names I did not know, nor was really interested at the time. I just wanted the words, the sentences, the chapters, the stories! To fly in space, to meet a robot, to cast a spell, I wanted all these things, and in a way I had them. In fact these stories were a sort of special reality for me, I felt what they felt, I went where they went, I saw what they saw. The wonders that I was able to witness as a child are equally fantastic to the wonders I witness now as an adult, although they are vastly different. These nights I would stay up till three or four in the morning, and not even miss the sleep. Just wondrous feelings of joy, fear, loathing, sadness, longing. From books I received my most vivid nightmare, some of my favorite adventures, and my greatest yearnings.

One particular night as I was reading a book about wizards, magic, wonder, and danger, I realized for the first time, this was all fake. My life would never contain me shooting magic out of my fingers, or even a wand, I would never travel to a far land and ride in to battle next to a wizard, an elf, a dwarf, and a lost king. I wouldn't travel to unknown reaches of space and lead a war against an alien race. I wouldn't even take innocuous journeys to forgotten lands and travel through the earth or a rabbit hole. My life was real, and theirs was fiction. How I longed, and pleaded with reality to suddenly change, to allow me, just once, into the magical realm that I had held so often in my mind. To experience these things, not with my minds eye, but with my entire being. That night, when all this came crashing down, I cried. I cried that I would never meet these people, that I would never get to live as they live, I would never see what they saw, and I would never experience what they experienced. I thought of how unlucky I was, and to this day I still feel remorse that reality is so real. I cried myself to sleep that night, and a little of the magic was lost, but my imagination remained strong at least.

I still reread those books that I read as a child from time to time. Remember what it was like to sit next to a king, to ride an ancient horse, to talk to trees, to dance with elves. It isn't the same, but I have realized that real life is beautiful. There is magic, our very existence is magic. Look at what we have around us. From the simplest of seeds grows life! How unimaginable is that? Though I once thought we lived in a plain world, I now see, it is as magical as a world can possibly be.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is my longest day, school then work then school till 9-10ish. Hopefully it will go smoothly, I have tests and such but I think I am ready. Daf makes me so happy, I probably sound like an old record but yeah. when she called me today, it seriously made me so happy. It was a long day with a lot of typing and studying, but all that stress went away the second I heard her voice. That is so amazing, no one has ever been able to do that for me. As far as tests go though, one is lame. I get it on Monday, it involves a 6 page essay and multiple choice due by Wednesday. What the hell? But life is good, I took a few pictures today. My picture of the day, as my goal stated is this.

I was quite pleased with it actually, the composition was great, and I love lines. Anyway, I know this was short, but like I said it has been a long day, and without Daf it would have probably not been an especially good one. It is nice that almost everyday I have known her, it has been a good day. I am lucky to have such a friend.

PS

She called me her boyfriend today. Seriously, that just makes me happier than I have been in a long time.

For Daf

Today I took a picture of something that I had been trying to photograph for about a week straight. Every time I tried the colors were off, or the angle was boring, or the the picture was just not anything that I really liked. Well today it rained and it filled the bottom with a small layer of water. Suddenly I was able to take the pictures, but I think it was because I finally was able to put meaning to it, and I was able to relate it to a very special person. I called it Pool of Peace for Daf. I know it might seem obvious but Daf is a huge part of my life. From the moment we met we were great friends. I am so lucky to know her, as is every person that is fortunate enough to have a chance to talk to her. Today was very stressful school wise, with tests coming up and such, however it had such beautiful moments. It rained while the sun was shining, and that causes a full rainbow to appear. If only I had my camera at that magical moment. Rainbows are amazing, once in a life time experience. I loved my first thought which was, I wish I could take a picture of this for Daf to see. Most of my thoughts for a while have focused on her. Of all the opinions in the world I rely on hers most, because I trust her. She is so many amazing things that I am always just being astounded. Daf is a truly amazing person. Daf, never change ok?

Religion and Other Topics

So damn, my first post got accidentally deleted, so yeah attempt two.

Anyway Hello World! (Again)

Ok, so this post is about religion and other topics, but I feel it is appropriate given the nature of today being Easter, or as some people call it "Resurrection Sunday" (because of easter's pagan past). This was sparked by a sort of brief conversation I had with my mom, and how I view religion vs spirituality.

Separating Religion and Spirituality - Let's start with Religion first and go from there. To begin with we set the stage, an average church on a regular Sunday. The congregation all sit down in their seats as musicians walk to the front to begin the worship ceremony. The instruments don't matter, nor does the talent because that is not what this is about. The problem actually, for me starts here. They start off by telling you what song you will sing, and it is always in a key that is tailored to their voice (granted they have the musical ability to do that). Again, this isn't too bad until you reach the point where you, being the congregation are all asked to stand, and sing the next few songs together. This fairly innocuous request is just the beginning of where religion and spirituality separate. What this action really comes down to is a loss of personal connection with God. Instead of you getting to decide how you worship you have been told exactly what to do, even down to the actions that you must take. I feel that nobody should have the right to delegate to another what they should do in order to enjoy a spiritual connection. This is taken even farther when the person speaking leads the group in a type of group prayer. I believe this is again one person speaking to God on the behalf of many, and is another way of controlling the experience you are having. The problem here is again the same. A person is telling you what to say and what to do, how to pray.

On a side note, a special issue I have with prayer is the bowing of the head. Why is it that we can't lift our eyes up and figuratively look God in the face. God is supposed to care about us, and it seems that it makes more sense to look up and be fully in God's presence than to always be hiding in shame.

Lastly on religion, the most important part of any belief is interpretation of the words that it teaches. This is the hardest part and, to me, the most aggravating of all is how one person interprets the script for everyone. Where is the open discussion? If we are all going to believe something, then again it comes down to personal belief. The amazing thing about being human is that we can all see the same thing but interpret it differently. On person may read a section of text and see meaning, while I see a completely different meaning. And the truly great part? Neither of us is wrong. So I purpose that instead of sitting around and listening we become active. We open up a dialogue , and each person says what the words mean to them. We are here to help each other understand this thing called life, whatever it really is.

So to me religion is this: a set of rules, standards, practices, rituals, or whatever that a person must follow if they are to have a connection with God, and subsequently find meaning in their life.

That leaves us with the question; what is spirituality? And this is a vastly more simple idea, and serves only to manumit us from the strict confines that religion often gives. Spirituality doesn't involve other people necessarily, although it can by choice. What it breaks down too, in its most simple of forms, is a personal connection with God.

It always astounds me when I hear people say there is no hard evidence for a belief in a creator. Even more so when it is a religious person saying so, because it seems that they miss the point. They expect their followers to go blindly, or with little concrete ideas. The fact is that God does not hide from us, he doesn't even try too. If you look around you can see God in the beautiful tranquility of a pure blue sky, the power in looming clouds or a giant waterfall, the peace of an idyll pond. Everything from a leaf in the wind to a bird in the sky, they are all so perfect in and of themselves that missing them is how we miss God. The problem we face is not one that exists due to a lack of faith, but a blindness and deafness to the world around us. Spirituality is a personal connection, and nothing can teach that, or take it away. Strive for spirituality not religious zeal.

With all that being said, I do appreciate the place that religion has in our lives. Giving us a place to connect with people that believe as we do, or just giving us a place to meet new friends. These are all positives offered. But if a person wants a connection to God, it is a personal exploration into the character of who they are, and who God is, and not one person will experience this the same as another.

Artists - For so long in my life has this term been used inside of a negative connotation, based on the stereotypes of what it means to be artistic. I am coming to embrace this part of me, and as I do I am loving it more and more.

First off a little about my past. I grew up fairly artistic, an early example of this takes place during my kindergarten days. I had this blocks called "pattern blocks." With which you were supposed to create, quite obviously, patterns. An example may consist of triangle, square, triangle, square, etc. ad infinitum. Now instead of doing this simple task I would often make sprawling 2d pieces that stretched off in all directions. This made my teacher literally angry with me, more on her maybe in the future. Anyway, I always loved making things, no matter what it was. This evolved into playing guitar around the 9th grad, and at the same time I started writing poetry. I always liked drawing, and would often draw along with Mark from the Imagination Station PBS show, and there has always been reading. So, as a brief overview, art has always been a part of who I am as a person.

So, referencing my earlier section on Spirituality and Religion, I find artists have a unique luck in the way they see the world. I feel like people who see things through these types of eyes don't have to try all that hard to be spiritual. It is easy for me to look at something and draw a deeper meaning out of it, some examples are over on my flickr page, where I write little stories, poems, etc to go with my pictures. So I count myself lucky to be part of this group who are granted the privilege to see life in a way that nobody else can even comprehend.

Photography - I find this to be probably my favorite artistic endeavor I have ever started. It in a way forces me to stop taking the world for granted. The more I get into this the more beauty I see, and it is such an amazing cycle. I feel more natural at it, even compared to my guitar playing. I think I finally found the thing that I could, given more time, become great at. It makes me so happy to have found this again, and to have started over with it. I wasn't sure how I would take to it, and I risked a lot of money on my camera, but the end result is I am absolutely loving it. It is also forcing me to write, which makes me so happy because that is another aspect I have always felt strongly pulled too. Writing was always hard because when I didn't have a clear concept of what to write, I often did not writing anything. This outlet has given me a chance to expand on both of these concepts that I love so dearly. So it is turning out quite well.

Drugs - I had a conversation today with someone I haven't spoken too in probably close to a year. He was as close to a good friend as I had in high school , although it was never too close as we were very different people. It turns out that, when strapped for cash, he sells drugs. Which is an interesting concept because I never got into any sort of drug, be it alcohol or illicit. I haven't ever smoked a joint. I know this probably seems prudish, or weird to a lot of people but I just have never felt inclined to do so. I am always curious, because I understand intellectually from a psychological stand point, about what do people feel when they do these drugs. What is it that motivates a person to do these things? I can't say I will ever know the answer, but it is such an alien idea to me. It's not even that my friend can't afford to live, he just likes money to buy things he wants. I don't know, I freely admit that I don't understand.

I know this was kind of all over the place but I had a lot on my mind today. Anyway, goodnight world and sweet dreams. Let's see what wonders you hold for me for tomorrow.

Final Thoughts for Today

Hey world, I am back for some last thoughts for today, I have no idea how long (or short) this will be, because I have nothing so far planned, I will just write what I am thinking. Hopefully this will make sense. Ok, So first off, I did it despite the rain. By it I mean I took my daily pictures, and some of them turned out fairly well in my opinion. I really need to learn some technical things, so I can handle my camera better, but otherwise I am having a good time. My daily picture turned into about seven that I kept, however a few of them are noisy from the fact that lighting conditions were not the best. I was incredibly happy when I found the rain stopped and I immediately got in my car with my camera and went for a drive, hoping to find something worth photographing. I found a parking lot, that is almost always deserted and pulled over and started taking pictures. This turned into some really good shots. Other than that, if you would like to see them check out the April 2nd shots at Dusty Depictions.

As far as more important things go, bare with me while I do some digging. There hasn't been much emotionally strenuous today for me, however on the good side, I talked to Daf on the phone today. That always makes me so happy, her voice lights up my day. It was funny because I found myself get giddy and silly almost instantaneously, and it felt good. I feel so alive when I am talking to her, I sometimes wish I knew the words to tell her how I feel, but nothing seems adequate, at least in my eyes everything falls short of the full meaning. She just brings such joy to me, and makes my soul feel such elation, that AHH!!!! I don't know, it is just amazing.

Other aspects of my life are fairly neutral, I have tests next week, so this weekend will be dedicated to studying. A bonus is that tomorrow, there shouldn't be rain, maybe I can go hiking then. Anyway, I am still working on my goals, and learning how to be less shy. In fact, pulling my car over and taking pictures, despite the weird looks was a nice step for me. However, I got discouraged that I even noticed the weird looks, because I want to be to the point where I don't notice how others see me at all. On the upside, I think I care less than most people, but I still am working on it. It is a process, but at least I am trying. Another thing this allowed me to do was to practice forgiving myself. Instead of letting myself get discouraged, I recognized what I was doing, and stopped it from getting to me. I give myself that.

Anyway, that was my day, I probably am done for tonight so Goodnight World! Sweet Dreams.

So Far Today...

Well, I know technically this isn't my first post today, I count the previous post as last nights. Anyway, I had a big plan today, as it was my first day off, and therefore I had some unscheduled time. I wanted to go hiking in the park and take pictures, instead it turns out that it is pouring down rain. Needless to say I was very saddened. I could almost see the trees and flowers I wanted to photograph in my head. Hopefully I will think of something to take a picture of for my daily picture. By the way, taking a daily picture and writing a micro poem is part of my goal to practice my art. I enjoy doing those things immensely. So, currently I am thinking about that. This was a short quick entry, probably more to come tonight. Current thoughts: Love is an amazing thing.

Current Goals

So, a few things happened today, mainly I forgot the email address to this blog. What a pain in the ass that was, but thankfully as I was closing my eyes I finally remembered. A few tries later, I finally am logged on. Thank fucking god. That was frustrating. Anyway, Hello again world. I have decided to take my time to talk about a few things that I feel important.

First off, I want to discuss a conversation I had with some coworkers one or two days ago. They, apparently, are atheists and agnostics which I am not. That is not to say I fall under any specific religion, but I do believe in something. Anyway, they don't believe that anything exists and this idea, although I have heard it so many times, always confuses me. To me, I feel spirit in everything, especially nature. I'll expand on that more in a bit, but for right now I am going to talk about not believing in anything.

It's funny to me because there were times, and by times I mean many, where I was incredibly depressed, almost scarily so. I won't go into too much details but you can probably guess. Anyway, even at my all time lowest, and utter hatred of everything, I never stopped believing that there was something. Instead it translated into my perceived hatred of a "creator" but I still believed it was there. Nothing ever made me think that there was just emptiness and random chance. This probably comes off as relatively naive to most of the world, but I always felt the presence of something, some power that I could not quite grasp. Why is it that I felt that way? I ask myself this sometimes, and I really don't know. So, that is a little of my history, and my belief system.

To me the world has so much beauty around it, and its so obvious in nature. I can't help but feel things are too beautiful to happen by random. Just looking at the complexity of our ecosystems, how well balanced everything is, it is hard for me, on a spiritual level, to believe that it just happened. Another side effect of this, is that to me if life is all random happenings, random chemical reactions, random nerve firings, random everything, then what is the point. How do I give meaning to something that doesn't even matter, and is really just a fluke of statistics. So, even if there is nothing, I would prefer to believe their was, and don't take me wrong I love logical pursuits. It just comes down to, life needs meaning, and for me having random happenstance control me does not give it any justifiable meaning. And, again, don't get me wrong here, I don't set out to please any higher being, but it is more of a understanding and connecting with nature type of belief. I like to find beauty in anything I can, and I also try to make a positive difference in the lives of those around me. I try to everyday, find something beautiful, and capture it and share it with the world. Which brings us to my current goals.

• Do well in school - this seems so obvious but I feel that it is important for me to do this, so that in the future I can have more freedom, also I do it because it makes me feel good. Succeeding at something is always better feeling than failing
• Find and Photograph at least 1 beautiful thing each day - my Flickr account holds these pictures along with my micro poems. Hopefully I will upload at least one a day, everyday. I like my camera because it forces me to see beauty
• Save money - again, this seems obvious but I have always wanted to be better with money, and I was doing fairly well until I bought my camera, which I still feel was worth it. But if I can learn to save money, then I won't be as reliant on other people, which will make me more able to help other, because I won't be the one needing help
• Lose Weight - yeah, I feel that I could stand to lose a little bit of weight, so I am trying to be more active, its a tough one. But I do want to be healthy for my own sake
• Make a difference - find a way to make a difference each day, this one is probably the hardest because it involves being more outspoken so maybe this should be changed to, at least for now, be less shy
• Practice my art - I find myself not playing my guitar everyday, and not drawing, I think I would be great if only I had the discipline. I hate my lack of discipline, and how I get bored of things so easily. I frustrate myself to no end, because I move from one thing to another, and I really want to stick to something, but at the same time it doesn't interest me at the time, and its a really weird internal paradox

Thats a good set of goals for right now I believe, so I hope I will follow through. A last goal, but more a view on life is, I need to forgive myself when I mess up. Learn to trust who I am, and love myself more. Not in a self esteemy way, but in understanding who I am, and trusting myself with that. There is nothing wrong with knowing who and what I am. This is an adventure I am on, and I am trying to discover myself daily. Well anyway, goodnight world! I hope you have a great day tomorrow.

Dusty Description

Hey everyone, or whoever, this is my first blog entry, and first blog period. Sometimes I feel like I have a lot to say, and other times nothing at all. Anyway I am Dusty, and my best friend is Daf, she is amazing. This is kinda of weird for me to do, but I want to try it out, maybe something I say will make a difference, and even if it doesn't life is about trying new things. So here I am, my goal is to just be real and honest, and to open my life up. I have had a hard time doing this throughout my life, often I found myself closing everyone off in an effort to protect myself. This only hurt me more. So, yeah in some weird way this may just allow me to be more me, than I was before ( an idea that me and Daf often talk about). Life is a journey, and it is about discovering who you are. I have found myself to be many things, I am an amateur photographer (my pictures can be found here at Dusty Depictions), a musician ( if you would like to hear some of it just message me and I can send you my myspace page), a computer geek, an avid reader, and a life experiencer. I enjoy finding out new things about myself, and have come to embrace the artistic side of me in recent times. Growing up it was never really encouraged, and that makes sense because parents want their children to succeed. And in reality art, not matter what form, is a risky business. But I am enjoying who I am, and how I see the world. So anyway, this is me Dusty, and my new blog for when I want to say something I feel is important. So hi world, I am coming, and I can't wait.